I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
You Might Also Like
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
🖤✌🏽
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I wanna be friends with this person
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Sell your car
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.