I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Nose
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.