I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Spring of Deception
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks