I would like even faster food.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
😂😂😂
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
lot going on here, legally speaking.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*