I would like even faster food.
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.