i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok