I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
found this cool rock hiking today
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
