Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Just how popey was the pope today?

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

what’s the point then??

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations