I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.