I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”