I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.