I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Not with that attitude
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s