I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren鈥檛 we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that鈥檚 a no
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
What do you mean I didn鈥檛 bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption 鈥渁ll right who made this?? 馃槀馃ぃ馃槀”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Don鈥檛 ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I鈥檓 not sorry about your table.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What鈥檚 my email password?
Brain: I don鈥檛 remember.
Me: Why鈥檇 I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it鈥檚 important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I鈥檓 fine, thanks
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp