Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.