Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens