Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.