I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone