I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I laughed at this way too hard.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
*watches the world burn*
me, after any kind of buffet.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry