I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet