I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Suuuuure
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
