I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Not messing around
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.