I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.