I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People