@recoveringbapti

I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain’t no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck

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@parkersJoking

Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”

@gerryhallcomedy

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

@yayraptor

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]

@lukeoneil47

I was 17 having dinner w new gf’s parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn’t take. I got nervous they’d hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window

@AbleLikes

Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.

@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@GuyBreakup

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

@robfromonline

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

@_troyjohnson

*loads dryer*

Fitted Sheet: HE’S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!