Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
🤣🤣🤣
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.