Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Simple

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend