I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Traveler’s camo
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
going to the ER y’all need anything
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.