I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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You don’t even know
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.