I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Yup!
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually