Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Well, shit

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.