I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
The problem with self checkout is that all the cashiers are idiots.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury