I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped