I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
describing stardew valley
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
The old gods are rising again.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
(more comics:
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.