I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo