I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
This kid will have a bright future.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.