Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.