Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.