I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!