I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
starting a garage orchestra
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Monday
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.