I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Thoughts
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?