Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms