I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My dating profile:
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me