I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Just how popey was the pope today?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married