Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.