I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks