I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now