I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.