I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.