Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Match dot com, but for socks.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Proctologist = Analyst

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.