I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
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Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.