Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV