I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
