I would love to ker-sploosh this.
You Might Also Like
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
logging onto twitter…
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means