Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

look at me when i’m typing to you

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet