Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

The fall of Netflix

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

SONOFA

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.