Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely