I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.