Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now