I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
This made me smile…
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often