Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Breaking news:

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.