I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Animal poetry
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.