I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.