I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Joseph Smith, 1833
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?