I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me trying to “trust the process”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.