Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

i think both sides are to blame here

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.