I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
LOL
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend