Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

I have a black belt in leather

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*