I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Facebook Twitter
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.