I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
How actors in movies eat their food
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
an octopus is just a wet spider
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow