I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I cannot stop laughing at this
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing