Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

That’s commitment

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

That time Alicia messaged me

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.