Muslim: I do not eat bacon.
Jew: I do not eat bacon.
Me: I will have their bacon.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.
People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.