I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Things will get butter, keep churning
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
technically true but not a great slogan
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.