I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
is nasa ok
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
