I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.