I would move hell over six inches for you
You Might Also Like
Just added something to my bucket list.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.