Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey