I would move hell over six inches for you
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This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
why am I working on Labor Day